Guide to College

College is a silly place. This is an important thing to keep in mind if you are going to be a freshman. College is a place that cannot be expressed in words. Ever. By anybody. Ever. This is a short guide to things that every senior should keep in mind before becoming a freshman once again. Guess what? College is not high school. Guess what? College isn't all about impressing the sick older kids with your rad American Eagle polo's with popped collars. And guess what? You'll be regarded as a faggot by pretty much everybody. This probably isn't your fault. Then again it probably is. First thing you need to remember when at school, "Don't be a faggot."

Another thing. You and your roommate will not necessarily be best friends. You don't need to spend every minute with them trying to make sure that nobody is a better friend with them than you are. Odds are, you will hate your roommate by the end of the year. This is a true statement. Spending every day with a random person that the college decided to stick you with is not the best thing. Every little flaw that you see in your roommate will be magnified by 100 by the end of the year.

Along the same lines, the first good looking girl that you meet is not necessarily your soul mate. Sorry, she's probably crazy.

Class schedules are less rules, and more guidelines. First week of class, you should go. First warm week of spring, you should not go. First day of snow, it is probably too cold to go to class. Even if it isn't. It is.

In college, there are three main aspects to life. Studying. Sleeping. Social life. No matter how hard you try to manage your schedule you can only have two of these things. Your first semester you will choose social life and sleeping. By second semester of your first year, I promise you that you will no longer be sleeping. Ever.

Some quick tips. Don't be overly friendly. Don't ever post on the Facebook group for your class year. Don't try to be the raddest dude you can be. Don't snitch. Don't sleep. Don't try too hard.

Dorm Life is the most accurate depiction of college that I have found. I promise you that you will meet every stereotype that is on this show within your first semester of school. Most of these situations will happen to you. And you will find that I am correct in my statements.

Wizard People, Dear Reader

Watch as Brad Neely masterfully creates a new art form, combining misinformed story telling with the beautiful animal that is HP.

Clearification

You are a person. Demetri Martin is a person. Demetri Martin is a funnier person than you.

Top 5 with Viss Chrisser

Top 5 dream jobs
1. Martin Scorsese
2. Profession Movie-Watcher
3. Profession Music-Listener (Sunonthesand.net)
4. Jonny K
5. Professional Lover (Niko)

Top 5 albums all-time
1. 65daysofstatic - The Fall of Math
2. Neutral Milk Hotel - In The Aeroplane Over The Sea
3. The Beatles - Abbey Road
4. Godspeed You! Black Emperor - F#A# ∞
5. American Football - American Football

Top 5 non-Scorcese films
1. Reservoir Dogs
2. Shawshank Redemption
3. The Godfather
4. Schindler's List
5. Snatch

Top 5 things to do on the 20 hour drive to Texas
1. Make signs to talk to 12 year olds in large vans
2. Watching some Scootering in gas station parking lots
3. Stopping at Wendy's
4. Singing along to Tenacious D
5. Take pictures of Niko sleeping without waking him up

Top 5 reasons to live at home during college
1. Save Money
2. More time to listen to music
3. Quality time with mah 'Stang, Bula
4. Home-cooked food every night
5. Sectional Couch

Top 5 Dr. Pepper flavors
1. Regular
2. Vampire Bats
3. Delicious
4. Diet
5. Jonny K

Top 5 bands you despise but everybody else loves
1. Explosions In The Sky
2. Angels & Airwaves
3. Niko's favourite music
4. Mainstream Music
5. Music with words

Top 5 Asians
1. Sgt.
2. Mutyumu
3. Henry Wu (Jurassic Park)
4. Sabrina Bong
5. Hideo Kojima

Top 5 Rock Band songs
1. Reptillia
2. Gimme Shelter
3.Welcome Home
4. Won't Get Fooled Again
5. Ballroom Blitz

Top 5 things people don't know about you
1. I wanted to be a Power Ranger when I was a young lad. So much so that I had people call me "Billy." My uncle Phil still calls me this to this day.
2. I had the nickname "Critter" when I was born. My uncle Bob still calls me this and only this to this day.
3. I don't try very hard with a lot of things. I lack motivation.
4. I wish I was more like Jonny K
5. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people use the term "emo" improperly. It is not the neo-goth fashion style or a genre for bands like Dashboard Confessional. It means "emotive hardcore" and describes bands like Circle Takes The Square. And now you know.

Hear this album

MGMT is the most infectious band that I have ever heard. Combining a mix of indie pop rock and psychedelic electronica, their sophomore album Oracular Spectacular is sure to be stuck in your head for days and days. Highlights of the album include the opening track 'Time to Pretend' which is an anthem for the teenage generation's refusal to conform. Another highlight is 'Electric Feel'. The most addictive track on the album however is 'Kids'. The first time that I heard this track I had it in my head for at least a week. Listen to it at your own discretion and don't blame me when you have this whole album stuck in your head.

Grade= Gold Star

Top 5 with Niko

Top 5 people
1. Me
2. Kyle
3. Jonny K
4. Visser
5.Aaron

Top 5 sporting events you don't care about
1. US Open
2. World Series
3. World Cup
4. Superbowl is to football as ________ is to basketball
5. Superbowl

Top 5 things about Texas
1. People
2. Weather
3. Large trucks
4. Old men in the large trucks wearing cowboy hats
5. Chicken Express

Top 5 words to put a Z on the end of
1. Realz
2. Skillz
3. haxorz
4. ballz
5. zubaz
6. lolz

Top 5 Dragonball characters
1. Goku
2. Gohan
3. Trunks
4. Piccolo
5. Goten

Top 5 made up languages
1. Any language that isn't English is made up sooo....
2. German
3. Spanish
4. French
5. Romanian

Top 5 video games you used to play
1. Halo 2
2. Guitar Hero 2
3. Dragon Ball Z Budokai Tenkaichi
4. All Final Fantasy games
5. Kingdom Hearts 2

Top 5 things to argue about
1. Faith
2. Who ate the last of the ice cream
3. Girls
4. Who should let the dog out
5. Who farted

Top 5 reasons to visit WI
1. None
2. None
3. Some friends
4. None
5. Culvers/ Real cheese

Top 5 things to waste money on
1. WORLD OF WARCRAFT
2. Hollister clothes
3. Sweet tea
4. Video games I won't ever play
5. Mackers

Invention Mind Zone

Recently I was thinking about the future and all the stuff that we should be working on to make 2015 just like it is in Back to the Future II, because the way it's looking now, Marty Mcfly is going to be seriously disappointed when he shows up in Doc Brown's DeLorean.

1. Wireless electricity- Power outlets are out. We got wireless everything. Wireless phones, wireless internet, we even got wireless pop stars. The only thing holding us back is batteries having to be charged all the time. I figure if we combine electricity with magnets this should be no problem and our electronics will keep going and going like the Energizer Bunny.

2. New transpo- I came up with two solutions to the gas problem. First if we want to stick with automobiles, I figure, "Why use gas when we can just coast everywhere?" I am going to invent roads that only go downhill so that we can just coast everywhere. You're thinking, "Coasting is great, but what about when I have to go uphill?" Well when you need to go up, you just go on a loopdiloop and it will use your speed to make you go up. The second option is to get the scientists working on the tube technology. We just build huge tubes that go everywhere and use some sort of giant vacuum cleaner to suck us to our destination. We just have to flush ourselves to where we want to go.

3. Time travel- People have been time travelling for years on T.V. Marty Mcfly time travelled way back in 1985. Desmond Hume time travelled from a deserted island with no equipment. Only the power of his mind. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles time travelled twice. Once in TMNT 3 and once in Turtles in Time. And they aren't even human. Heck even Steve Urkel time travelled, and became a super cool dude. So why can't we just turn all of our gizmos and gadgets to 1.21 jigawatts and see what happens.

All this theorizing and brainstorming inventions is a lot for me to handle on my own, but since the scientists aren't stepping up, somebody better go into Albert Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci, Doc Brown mode and save the future from embarrassing itself from time travelling turtle ninjas.